The New York Times and Straits Times carried an article on the latest line of girlfriends to hit the market. A virtual one. Her name is Vivienne Rose, and she will ride on your 3G handphone for US$6 a month. That's only the service subscription fee. If you want more of her, you'll have to fork out more money for 3G airtime and virtual gifts. If you're good enough, eventually you'll get marry her in a virtual ceremony, and get nagged by a virtual mother-in-law who will call you up (presumably you'll also pay airtime to get nagged). Eventually, the company will have a virtual harem of girlfriends to cater to your every whim and fancy, which can range from S&M to same-gender adventures.

The idea of Vivienne spooks me out totally. What kind of a girlfriend is she, that she can appear to anybody who pays (not just men too, mind you), on 3G cellphones around the world? Why does her name resemble Julia Roberts' hooker character on Pretty Woman? Why am I limited to only 1 hour with her a day? Is it so that she can divide her time between other guys (technically speaking, divide her processing power)? The company wants to promote Vivienne as a "practice round" before real relationships. How exactly will women feel if they discover their boyfriends have paid to engage in a virtual relationship? Perhaps a trio of ladies will sit down one day to gossip, and discover that all three of their boyfriends had an ex named Vivienne Rose. These six people will then be linked in a virtual debauchery of sorts. How weird is that?

Now, if some guys are really desperate enough to sign up for a virtual girlfriend, allow me to list some cheaper alternatives:

a) Inflatables. Don't snicker- at least they're touchable and low maintenance. If you give them gifts like chocolates (and they won't whine if you don't), you'll still end up keeping the gifts yourself. How cool is that.

b) Tamagotchi. Who says they're passe? They may not have the looks, but hey, at least your lady friends won't ever find out that you've paid money for a virtual girlfriend. Spare yourself the humiliation.

c) A book. Seriously. Occupy your hands holding a book. They'll have less time to wander to naughty places. And it enriches your mind too. Notice I did not say magazines, so FHM, Maxim and Penthouse all don't count.

d) A night out with the guys. You can ogle at pretty ladies and drink yourselves silly, then reminisce over NS days. Those guys will tell you how silly Vivienne Rose is. They da men! Resist when they try to shanghai you for a trip down to Geylang.

e) If all else fails, whip out that little black appointment book and opt for a good old fashion, low-tech date with a good old fashioned girl.