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300. Prepare For Corny.
All the hype over the movie "300" made me eager to watch it. The premise of 300 men holding off hordes of invaders sounded interesting, and the CGI is reportedly gorgeous. "Prepare for Glory", its poster proclaims. Right. The movie is a series of battle sequences patched together, with barely a plot and even less character development. Even then, the action loses its oomph by the second hour.
After almost 2 hours of tedium and eye-rolling, I can conclude that:
1) Asiatics, blacks, transsexuals, homosexuals, mutants or generally ugly people are enemies of freedom. White men fight for freedom.
2) The people of Sparta fight for freedom. They also kill unhealthy newborns. For freedom!!!
3) Real men don't need shirts, real warriors don't need armor. Digitally enhanced pecs and abs are all the protection you need from elements and steel.
4) Blood only appear in air and evaporate long before they can fall to the ground. You also bleed more when you lose an arm than when you get decapitated. No kidding.
5) Slow motion is a great trick which turns your enemies stunned and stupid. (Note to self: try out slow motion speaking during next Tuesday's progress meeting. If this worked on Xerxes, it'll work on my bosses as well. I bet they'll be stunned. Ha!)
6) When in slow motion, it is perfectly fine to fling your weapon at an enemy and fight unarmed. You get a +200 bonus to unarmed combat, tumble, dodge, AC and reflex saves while you are unarmed. You will naturally regain your weapon after laying waste to heavily armed (but stunned and stupid) enemies.
7) An epic movie requires corny catchphrases. Preferably one every 5 minutes.
8) Failing point (7), have the half-naked warriors perform manly grunts. Audience will be suitably impressed. Ah-ooooh!
9) If you're going to a war, story-telling is an invaluable skill. Once you are injured, you will be picked to return home to tell everyone what happened. Considering your skimpy loin cloth and cape, that should be child's play.
10) It is hip to soak an entire movie in a sepia tint. Sepia is the new vivid. For an additional visual treat, try grayish hues. The fanboys watching the show will mentally fill in the colors they imagine on the fly and call the movie a visual spectacle. The rest of the audience can easily be persuaded that sepia is gorgeous.
After almost 2 hours of tedium and eye-rolling, I can conclude that:
1) Asiatics, blacks, transsexuals, homosexuals, mutants or generally ugly people are enemies of freedom. White men fight for freedom.
2) The people of Sparta fight for freedom. They also kill unhealthy newborns. For freedom!!!
3) Real men don't need shirts, real warriors don't need armor. Digitally enhanced pecs and abs are all the protection you need from elements and steel.
4) Blood only appear in air and evaporate long before they can fall to the ground. You also bleed more when you lose an arm than when you get decapitated. No kidding.
5) Slow motion is a great trick which turns your enemies stunned and stupid. (Note to self: try out slow motion speaking during next Tuesday's progress meeting. If this worked on Xerxes, it'll work on my bosses as well. I bet they'll be stunned. Ha!)
6) When in slow motion, it is perfectly fine to fling your weapon at an enemy and fight unarmed. You get a +200 bonus to unarmed combat, tumble, dodge, AC and reflex saves while you are unarmed. You will naturally regain your weapon after laying waste to heavily armed (but stunned and stupid) enemies.
7) An epic movie requires corny catchphrases. Preferably one every 5 minutes.
8) Failing point (7), have the half-naked warriors perform manly grunts. Audience will be suitably impressed. Ah-ooooh!
9) If you're going to a war, story-telling is an invaluable skill. Once you are injured, you will be picked to return home to tell everyone what happened. Considering your skimpy loin cloth and cape, that should be child's play.
10) It is hip to soak an entire movie in a sepia tint. Sepia is the new vivid. For an additional visual treat, try grayish hues. The fanboys watching the show will mentally fill in the colors they imagine on the fly and call the movie a visual spectacle. The rest of the audience can easily be persuaded that sepia is gorgeous.
Labels: Entertainment
